blah blah blah

i just spent probably over an hour looking at blogs. i can't say i read them all. i am happy to say that some of them cracked me up. i needed to laugh. yesterday i spent about 30 minutes reading hope's blog and crying my eyes out at a coffee shop. not that anything i am going through compares to her loss. it has been a rough summer in the refiner's fire. i am learning a lot and the root of most of it selfishness. you would think with three little ones that you don't get a chance to be selfish. you do. it is just that you don't have an outlet or remedy for it besides anger. i realize anger and selfishness are sin. that is why it has been rough. i have meant to write about this for the past few weeks but it is just too much to say. so, i guess i will try and communicate most of it. stop reading now if you want. i will understand. i don't tend to read long posts either :) remember i am selfish!

i wrote in my journal in mid-june that i find comfort from god's word. i wrote that again at the end of june. so there was about a two-week lapse in time alone with god. that is not real uncommon for me. it was just good for me to see that i do receive comfort there. i tend to say on a regular basis that i just need time to myself. through my recent consistent time in the word i am seeing that not only do i need consistent (weekly) time alone but i also need consistent (daily) time in god's word. god has been good to meet me there. he has given me ample opportunities to root this selfishness out. he called me out during a worship time a few weeks ago. basically a song said something about laying your burden's down. i said to him that my kids were my burden. he quickly spoke to my spirit that my burnden was the fact that i can't do what i want when i want. i immedately knew this was so true.

i think there is a lot more i could write but i just don't want to. i need to meet with god. today has been a bad day. that is why i have time online. i basically have to blow up in order to get time away. i am not saying it is chip's fault. i know i just need to have a set time. he doesn't know my every need. maybe that will happen when i get home. i get time to myself when my kids are napping. i mean time outside of the 4-wall house/room i have been living in this summer.